When You Least Expect It

Real life is very unpredictable. 

I love reading and writing stories. As an Author, of course, I know the next events of my stories, they're all within my control. As a reader, I'm already good enough at predicting plot twists. 

But in real life? It's this ever-mysterious story you can never predict especially if it's the story of your own life. Past cannot be changed, there's no edit or undo button. The present is faced with multiple diverging roads.

And the future...

It is a valley shrouded by thick mists. 

But where are you? Where am I? Where are we? You are here. At the current moment. The present. 

And all you need to do is persist and overcome. Everything in your life is uncertain, but hope is eternal, faith and trust are your best friends. Believe that one day, everything would make sense. Believe that one day, it is going to be better. Believe that one day, you'll cry once more with tears of joy. 

Believe that one day, you will be very glad and relieved you didn't give up no matter how difficult the obstacles you've faced. 

It happens

It comes

It appears

When you least expect it. 

Just like my little herb Arugula.

I didn't expect her to sprout first, but just this morning, when my father told me my Arugula seeds had awoken, I literally did a double take. It was very early in the morning and I just had a terrible nightmare, however, because of Arugula's sudden surprise, I became widely awake.

It revives me, and inspires me, when the night before, I'm feeling down again, this wonderful creation of my Heavenly Father is an instrument to make me feel better. To be very hopeful, inspired, and motivated once more to continue doing this that I love for love and nothing else. And hopefully, the rest will follow, and I'm going to be motivated enough again to continue sharing stories. For love. Only for the love of writing and connecting with people who are like me, all possible through the magic of storytelling.

Love.

It is a wonderful feeling, isn't it?

And it exists in oh so many forms ♥️ 

(morning, 12.27.2020)

(evening, 12.27.2020)

I get it now. When I received my seeds, I read somewhere that planting is supposed to relieve stress. Back then I thought, "What if it didn't sprout?" "Waiting for it to germinate is supposed to relieve stress? Are they serious?"

That's my anxiety asking. 

But as I started sowing, the planting process took a lot of my attention. I was absorbed. Very absorbed. Waiting whether it's a successful germination or not certainly does make me anxious, but that's life, anxiety is a common feeling as long as it isn't overwhelming, as long as it ain't too much. 

And then one of my herb species germinated! All anxious, worried thoughts are defeated by the ecstatic, inspired ones! 

It's like waking up after suffering a terrible nightmare. You're feeling anew, and yet, still the same. Everything is set to right again, and though there are hisses of what ifs...

What if it dies?

What if the others don't sprout?

What if, what if, all the terrible what ifs of my anxious life...

Hope never fails me that a time will come when everything will feel right again. A cycle of healing. 

In this life filled with uncertainties, maybe healing is one of the few constants. 

The world will destroy you over and over again,

But you will also heal 

over and over again 

☘️

Your Garden Fae and Author,

s e j u r u

Project Herb Garden: Chives, Parsley, & Aragula

December 25, 2020

Seeds of these three are sown. 

Chives and Parsley have been covered with plastic wrap to speed up germination (maintaining a balance moisture).

Arugula remains expose without a wrap. 

Continuous monitoring.

Waiting for germination.

Project Herb Garden From Seeds

I've always been so fascinated by plants ever since I was a child. One of my clearest childhood memory being gardening labanos with my father and selling rambutan fruits to a loaded-jeep carrying people from the high mountains.

During this 2020 pandemic, I also noticed people run back to gardening. It's after all a very productive, therapeutic hobby that you can do inside the safety of your own territory. I am lucky that I am in a place where we have enough land area with an environmental condition that is generally favorable to growing plants.

Plant Tita and Titos nowadays are mostly gardening ornamental plants. Ornamental plant is a classification of function, that function being these plants are for aesthetic purposes. But don't you know that a few of these ornamental plants are actually edible? Especially flowers, there is quite a number of ornamental plant with edible flowers and rose flower is a good example.

Now that we're on the topic of edible plants, for me it would be more productive, efficient, and ecological to grow something that could be aesthetically pleasing and edible at the same time. I love food. I love cooking. I always want to cook plant-ingredients I've grown myself. Hence, plants with culinary purpose are the apple of my eye!

Herbs are plants that can have medicinal, culinary, or sometimes both as purpose. We don't have a lot of already established herbs here in our home that's why I ventured out online and went to local fb groups selling plants. Unfortunately, they don't have herbs, and as expected, they're more on ornamentals. The next thing I did is to search outside my locality. As much as possible, I wanted to buy the stable, potted and already healthy grown herbs because those are much easier to propagate. But reality check, transport will be difficult for potted plants and expensive, out of my budget range.

I ended up buying seeds from a shop called Seedgrocer! Why this shop? I read reviews and found out they have good customer service. There's another shop with a cheaper offer but let's just say they aren't that friendly to customers. I prefer shops with good customer service and a few bucks is nothing as long as I approve of their attitude towards their buyers. Also, they have more variety of herbs. Seedgrocer is the perfect shop for me!

Easily transportable, these herb seeds have arrived today, delivered by a Ninja! Hahaha conceptwise, I really love the name of that courier company.

The first thing I noticed is their cute packaging. My precious seed babies are covered with a brown envelope, bubble wrapped and they don't look crush so I can say they are well-packed!

I bought a "Herb Bundle" and then some individual herb seeds.

The "Herb Bundle" has 3 herbs, namely, Arugula, Chives, and Thai Basil. What I like about Seedgrocer is their label consisting of the following information: approximate number of seeds, germination rate, plus expiration date.

I am not familiar with Arugula. I bought this because it looks tasty from the picture 😆 Arugula seeds are large enough too, which is good because the larger the seed, the less intimidating. With 50 seeds and high germination rate, there's a high chance a little Arugula will sprout!

Chives, I've encountered this herb from plenty of Chinese cuisine. I think Chives taste like onions. I love that taste and I'm excited to sprinkle some Chives on my meat dishes. Hopefully, I could grow some Chives and establish my parent-Chive from them! 90% germination rate is very high by the way that I'm thinking of planting Chives first just to...encourage myself that I can do this lol.

Thai Basil, very familiar. This one, I used it as my plant for my Tissue Culture class back in college. Terror teachers, my experiment didn't have good enough results for them, ugh, I'd rather not continue with this reminiscing. Unlike the first two herbs and most of the herbs to be discussed later, Thai Basil do have culinary and medicinal purpose, aesthetic too, but it is not a herb, rather, it is a shrub, esp. if we're going to speak about technicality. The main difference between a shrub and herb is their stems. Herbs have "herbaceous" stems, watery and easily breakable, while shrubs have thin, woody stems and they can be bushy once they reach maturity. Still, Thai Basil can be classified as a herb in a laymanize sense if we're speaking of its purpose. This one also have beautiful flowers, and just like all herbs, a strong, aromatic smell. I have high hopes my Thai Basil seeds will germinate!

Done with the discounted herb bundle I'm so excited to plant, let's proceed to the individual seed packs!

Let's tackle Flat Italian Parsley. Parsely is a known herb on grilled meat dishes and salads to enhance flavor and add aroma. Since I'm fond of grilled meat and salads, please Parsley, please be good to me! Plenty of seeds and a very high germination rate of 91%, hopefully, I can harvest fresh parsley leaves in the near future.

Next, Cilantro! From its name, I can feel a very strong aroma from this herb. This one is a freebie, thank you Seedgrocer, and the herb with the largest seed in my collection right now. Seeing these large seeds is a relief. They look like they will really germinate 🥴 Cilantro is my most mysterious herb because I didn't expect to have this one anytime soon, and yet, it's here.

And here we go, Rosemary. One of my main targets to grow and multiply in our garden. Rosemary is also a herb for grilled meat dishes, and in other countries, it is pretty much easy to grow. But this is Philippines so good luck and there are only 5 seeds. Yes, 5 seeds, the lowest seed count out of all herb packs I bought. Rosemary is costly but definitely worth it once ready for harvesting. Though germinating this one will be a challenge because of the small seed count, think positive anyway!

The last three herb packs are the smallest in terms of seed size. They intimidate me the most because size matters 😂 I'm scared that they will be easily carried by ants or other crawling insects, blown away by the wind, I might misplace them while sowing because they're too small! I guess I shall just do my best, do some sprinkling magic, cover with thin layer of soil even if these seeds will be difficult to discern by then once on soil, just good luck and I hope they all germinate and grow into healthy plants where upon maximum maturity, can be a source of new, viable seeds!

First, we have Tarragon. 50 seeds, good number, high chance of germinating plantlets! Best before July 2023, hahaha plenty of time to prepare myself! I'm just worried for Tarragon because it has the lowest germination rate. It will take some time for this one to germinate. Long waiting time means a long time being worried if your sowing is a sucess or epic fail. Lol.

But don't be pressured, self, successful or not, environmental factors are difficult to control and they do influence seed germination. Therefore, there are times when it won't germinate, but don't feel bad. There's always next time and it happens. Sometimes, it's just not really meant to be. Awie.

For Spearmint, I'm supposed to buy Mint, but changed my mind and bought Spearmint instead. I did some research and found out Spearmint has a higher market value and this should have similar taste to that of mint. Mint family is also known for being low-maintenance and their high growth rate. Once I have grown enough Spearmint, I'm planning to concoct some Spearmint oil!

Last and the probably the most intimidating is Thyme. Unlike Rosemary with larger seeds, Thyme has small seeds and this pack only have a seed count of 15! However, just like the mints, Thyme, once successfully germinated and stable, is a wild herb requiring low-maintenance based from my research. This herb is also well use on different cuisines, I can't wait to add some Thyme on my meal in the future!

The shop where I bought these herb packs offer specific digital planting guides for each plant. I already downloaded them all. Included in the parcel is a printed basic sowing guide and a thank you note. My heart is full knowing I'm supporting small businesses in these hard times.

I hope you enjoy reading and thank you for your interest. Best wishes to your own endevours too. If you're like me who love plants and nature in general, in our own little ways, let us live a life in harmony with all those that matters to us. Let us live a productive, sustainable, and responsible life 😊

From a Garden Fae,

☘️ s e j u r u ☘️

Sejuru Approves: Story Recommendation

This Wattpad story recommendation is a mix of Underrated and Popular stories. Most also came from recent reads. My standard is based from my own preference:

✔️ heroine is not a doormat. heroine has a backbone
✔️ romantic relationship is not toxic (no abuse, non-consensual scenes, no overbearing possesiveness)
✔️ plot-driven story, if not, then character driven. best if both
✔️ contains life lessons (ex. internal conflict and societal issues)
✔️ if the story is R18+ then it's hot enough, nothing less
✔️ engaging plot, rarely cliche
✔️ writing style isn't irritating to the eye
✔️ flow and transition is smooth

Warning: I noticed that the Wattpad recommendation is mostly dominated by stories with erotic romance themes and then those with action. Read at your own risk.

Let's go the list of stories shall we? Arrange in NO order 😊

☘️ In The Devil's Stables
- I read this a long time ago. Historical fiction with romance? Try this one!

☘️ Knight @MyLovelyWriter
- Celeste Academy series is one of my favorite fantasy stories out there! It's so good that I can compare the quality (story-wise) to internationally published books (Maas, Bardugo, and Cassie Clare). This series is an example that it's possible to love a story without admiring the Author. I have issues with the author's personality.

☘️ Storm and Silence @Robthier
- oooooh how much I love the PERSONALITY of Sir Rob! He's very adorable and this story is definitely worth the attention it's garnering these days. I am one of his early readers when he's not yet that popular.

☘️ Grow With The Flow & Beneath What It Seems @zaaaxy
- I plan to read the next installments, these two are very character-driven. She reminds me of Sarah Maas in a sense there's a pattern to her stories: the first half is boring for my taste, but when it reached the turning point, that's where the character driven aspects become obvious. Grovelling in these books is also satisfying. I'm a sucker for a good grovelling.

☘️ Defend Me, Attorney @VeiloftheDark
- I was at the edge of my seat and I could only breathe in relief when there's at least a happy ending in the first book (I doubt in the next). Highly plot-driven story!

☘️ Seduction of Fire @missgrainne
- hot and steamy. i just have an issue after a questionable scene happened but the situation could justify the words uttered so I let it passed.

☘️ Get Dirty @mandie_lee
- hmmm, if I choose top 1 of my recent steamy and inspiring reads, then this is probably the book. It made me buy Bitter, another book of the same Author, from Shopee. Can't wait to read it!

☘️ Chess Pieces: Loki Von Amstel @Hiroyuu101
- oh wow this series is too action-pack + hot romance in a good and inspiring way. Also very plot-driven. Loki's story is specifically my favorite 'coz the heroine is a misunderstood villain and Loki is just too adorable.

☘️ Unwanted Desires @infinityandgalaxies
- yummy, hot, love triangle (or maybe not, still ongoing) super steamy read? Check this out!

☘️ Every Inch Of You @llmaambs
- reverse-harem! I'm not yet done reading this but so far so good.

☘️ Three Doors @threedoorsbooks
- sexually liberating content? It's here. I am in love with the first book.

Inserting my Sejuru's Best of the Best BOOKS (International)

~ title may contain more than one book (duology, trilogy, series)

~ these stories mold me into the person I am today. I owe a lot to reading. Reading literally save my life. Without reading these books you'll see below, I might have already went insane or worst, dead. Not kidding, friends.

~ I treasure these my stories with all of my heart and soul. I've read a lot and these shine the brightest. I would be forever grateful I read them ♥️

🍁 Throne of Glass Series & A Court of Thorns and Roses Series by Sarah J. Maas
- "I am Celaena Sardothien and I will not be afraid."
- I just became teary-eyed all of a sudden. This series means a lot to me. During my darkest days, it's my tether why I kept on striving to survive.
- as far as I know, it's also line up for a TV series adaptation

🍁 Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo
- "No mourners, no funerals."
- Damn it, I'm teary-eyed again. This one is filled with so much angst and morally-grey characters and I learned a lot from them. It's going to be a show on Netflix soon.

🍁 Shades of Magic by V.E. Schwab
- "I'm not going to die until I've seen it."
"Seen what?"
"Everything."

- Kell Maresh. Delilah Bard. My friends. My inspiration. I love you so much, guys. Also line up for a TV show.

🍁 Kate Daniels Series & Hidden Legacy Series by Ilona Andrews
- "They were heroes until they became tyrants."
- Highest number of re-reads in my reading history? Here you go. This urban fantasy is.so.freaking.epic.

🍁 The Wall of Winnipeg and Me by Mariana Zapata
- best slow burn contemporary romance ever. The perfect romance story I read.

🍁 The Infernal Devices by Cassandra Clare
- William Herondale...*cries*
- There's a reason why the world of Shadowhunters is well-loved.

🍁 Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson
- "Strength before weakness. Journey before destination."
- magic system and world-building at its finest

🍁 Air Awakens Series by Elise Kova
- delivers one of the best fantasy + romance + action + adventure combo

🍁 Dragon Kin Series by G.A. Aiken
- one of the best urban fantasy + comedy + romance + adventure + sexy boyfriends

🍁 The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley
- one of the best traditional, epic fantasy + adventure + romance

🍁 An Ember in the Ashes by Sabaa Tahir
- very.lyrical.lines + excellent fantasy plot with romance

And others...😆 I've read a lot of great and good books. Mostly, international as you can see.

🌹🌹🌹

Also check out my stories on Wattpad and Inkitt @Sejuru

I write fantasy, action, mystery-thriller, fanfiction, romance, mature romance (R18+) stories. 

Some titles are:

Misdialed Paramour

ONM: Saving the Anime World

Killer Website

The Vandalism Love Story

🌹🌹🌹

Hope you find a new great read with these recommendation. All quotes in this post are memorized by heart. I didn't search them from the internet or through my notes. Let me end this by quoting one of the best lines I've ever read from Sabaa Tahir's works:

"You are an ember in the ashes, Elias Venturius

You will spark and burn

Ravage and destroy

You cannot stop it

You cannot fight it."

Narrow Orangery Have A Stellar View

I don't know what to do with you. All I know is you're a two-timer, shameless flirt, liar, asshole. You did successfully mask these dark sides by calling yourself a gentleman. But imagine my surprise when I discovered something early this year. And you've been doing it almost since the day we met.

There's no us. There has never been an us. I'm so relieved by this fact because I WILL NEVER WISH TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU if only I knew back then. Hope you will never read this because this might trigger something when I say,

You're one of the worst human beings I've ever met.

There's a part of me right now saying maybe it's just me. And every conversation we had, along with those hidden meanings and implications were just from my wild imagination. Maybe you just saw me as simple ever since the beginning and it's only me, alone, who saw you as someone who's interesting and complex. BUT NO.

I have enough of blaming myself. You led me away. At some point, encourage me to sway. You implied there was something. You made me believed there was something. And then all these time, I discover there is someone, right there, even at the beginning.

It might have felt nice in your end. Having two not only one? All these time? I remember you saying you're also by yourself and you don't have plans to be with someone else anytime soon, but look. Just look what have you done.

I was this nice, naive girl who fell for the same trap again as if I never learned. Yeah, I cut off our connection, but don't worry. I have your words recorded when unlike in the past, I've deleted them completely. It's nice to see those messages. They will remind me you're full of shit.

I will remember you. I will never forget you. Especially that moment just recently when I realized there was this knife embedded at my back dating somewhere around the day we met. Who stabbed me? You. You. You did. I just noticed it now for finally it bleed. It's bleeding not with tears. You ain't worth my tears. It's bleeding with anger and vengeance.

And what's the best revenge? (Oh, at least I learn some important things over these years. Those things which are most important.)

Living my life without you on it.

Hope your bubble lasts. Really, despite of what you've done, I won't be turned into someone like you. I hope for the best in your life. Just don't bother me again.

Crescent City: Review (with Spoilers)

Okay.

Okay.

Inhale. Exhale.

I'm done reading my most awaited book probably of 2020 and I have this urge to write my thoughts about it before I dive into the threads and discussions by other readers who did the same.

It was a roller coaster ride. Maas' books always have this pattern where I always hated the first book. I hated Throne of Glass Book 1 and A Court of Thorns and Roses book 1, however, both series rank within Top 5 of my favorite series of all time. Hence, I can't blame myself when I became anxious that after that agony of waiting just to own a copy of this, I was worried that I wouldn't like it.

An understatement, I LOVE IT. There were parts I hate esp. around that climax where Bryce turned into a mushy pathetic pleading being but just like every books by Maas, it was atoned.

I would say the series isn't that great YET unlike TOG and ACOTAR but these two are complete series, with more than 3 books. And comparing their first books to the book 1 of Crescent City, I'll give the latter more stars.

There are events I predict and was glad it turned out the way it did. I'm looking forward to developments of the side characters. As for Bryce and Hunt, Maas has this amazing talent of making and justifying her characters from weak to super-powerful beings, and I live for that power to be felt by these worlds. I'm looking forward for more badass moments involving these two in the next books.

The only thing I didn't like the most are those scenes where Bryce turned into a really pathetic character, wining and pleading, instead of blasting everything and everyone around her. But then I remember the term character development and she's still at that stage where she'll show us who she could be: BETTER

I also think that Hunt is the least Alphahole of every main male leads on Maas' stories, but I still love him anyway. His redemption arc has paid off but hopefully he'll pay more in the future. How? By being utterly devoted and in love with Bryce. It won't be difficult. What they have is REAL.

I just couldn't help but think this starlight power is somehow related to the magic from the Day Court in ACOTAR. The label "Autumn King" is also not helping. The use of season? Beron and Crescent City's Autumn King's personality kinda match, they're both assholes. I'm also deeply intrigued by Prince Aidas, my guess is he got a big role to play in the future books.

Crescent City combines almost every magical creatures in the fantasy world. To see them interact is such a delight. This first book opens up a lot of possibilities, roads that can be taken hiding more stories on its paths.

The time I started reading it, I couldn't put it down. Though it was not perfect, still I've experienced the reasons why I love Sarah J. Maas' stories so much.

They give me hope when there's seemingly none. These stories remind me I'm capable of turning myself into someone better, stronger. That I can live not just survive. That everyone fucked up at some point. They might try to hide their mistakes with their smiles and golds, but they're humans too. Humans who don't let their demons win.

And love has many forms. Love for oneself, for a friend, for family, for a country, for a partner...love is everywhere. It's the reason why life goes on even after the most terrifying stumble. Love is the blood of life itself. We shared love and received love. No one has gone by without experiencing love.

Another Dead End

I'll write it down while still fresh.

Another job has met its end. It's far from my college degree and I was directed there because I chose external influence as the winner.

The thing you need to know about me is...I didn't know what I want in terms of this field society labels as "professional career." I only knew what I couldn't be. I guess I'm lost, but I won't put the blame on others for I know I'm in control of this journey. As long as I don't give up, I'm always headed to something better. Something I've been searching for all my life, knowingly and unknowingly. Proven.

These previous jobs I had taught me to let go when it's pointless to go on. To choose those I love over those whom other people would love for me. Because this ain't their life. Tis mine. Listening and following what others thought would be best for me have sent this wandering soul to dead ends. I'm sick of choosing their choice as if I haven't learned a single thing.

These jobs taught me that to love what you're doing drives this journey. That stress and pressure are therapeutic as long as your heart is there with you. If the heart's gone and only the mind functions, everything you do will feel useless, useless to yourself and to the world. You won't be at your most efficient self, your best self, if you stay only because you had to. It isn't about the money, neither the setting nor the benefits and extras. It's about you and your contribution to the world during this finite time you have. You need to stay because you LOVE to.

And since I mentioned "finite time," this serves as everyone's reminder that the sand in our hourglass is flowing. You don't have eternity with that physical body. You only have now and the finite future. Time is our greatest treasure which can't be bought. Don't waste it merely because you just find the set-up convenient.

It's not all bad you know. These dead ends also taught me there's nothing wrong with being lost. Of not knowing the right way. Years since I kinda started living by myself, at first I was afraid of being alone I thought it's enough to kill me. But now, what I'm terrified of is I find independence and freedom too addicting. There are these moments of urge where I want to go somewhere really far and remote, on a place where all of the things I love converge if ever there's such thing. And on those seconds, minutes, hours, the only thing I was sure of is this thought,

"That place isn't here."

The day I became contented of where I am would be the day I finally find magic again. The kind I haven't experience yet. And I will find it. I will.

For now, lost as I am, I think I'm also on track. For I learned and experience life-changing situations. This time around I discovered the world of writing zines, of fellow creatives, of new stories I greatly adore, new tunes of silence, true friendship, pre-loved items, more flowers from the garden of independence and freedom, of understanding when it matters.

There are the good but that doesn't mean we forget the bad. Hence, they must be written: your lies and multiple-faces, selfishness and narrow-mindedness of those rich landlords, siding with corruption, emotional and verbal abuse, GASLIGHTING (damn this word is so manipulative figuratively and literally it took me sometime to remember what it is called), garbage traditions, favoritism, externally-triggered self-blaming, workloads for one truck when it should be for two or three trucks, I couldn't breathe, take comfortable bio-breaks, you even want to steal my rest and me time, you made me feel bad when I'm just being human, that is, imperfect, you're the destructive wavelength, you hit my particles to destroy and not to build. You and them. I will never forget.

Exhale.

I'm fine. I'm good. Like what I've written, it ain't all bad. The bad though seem overwhelming but they just appeared to be because I want to be specific so when I go back to this entry in the future, it wouldn't be a guessing game to remember.

Finally my dear...

Here we are, at a crossroad once again. But are we afraid?

No.

Because we trust. We believe. Anything is possible.

Remember the signs. The national anthem, you're headed to greatness. The last conversation, that's one of the reasons why there are battles not worth fighting.

So light up or turn into an ember. Your fuel is eternal for it is belief.

The Calling

Something is calling me.

I'm not sure what it is but I do have an idea what it could be.

My sleep interrupted, I would wake up from this strange beautiful dream, afraid of its nightmarish tendencies, strengthened by my never fading will to fight for these things I love even on a different plane of reality.

I couldn't control these dreams. The only one who could are the me existing on those realities. But if there's one thing I could control, it's this reality I have right now. This reality where I've been hearing a siren's call on my waking hours. This siren's call could also be the reason why I always go back. Why I could always wake up from a deep sleep, a medium to those worlds of dreams.

To whatever, whoever, is calling me, I already took a step to reach you. I took a leap and resume my long walks heading straight to your direction. I don't know exactly what has been waiting for me all these time. All I know is just like all the things I love in this lifetime, you'll have both of the beautiful and ugly sides. Elements clashing against each other. You won't be easy to judge. You're bad and yet good. Good but can do bad. Gray. You will be gray.

And even as of now, I am already in love with all of your spectrums.

I'll find you

And together

We'll write stories

Stories sustain

This life of mine.

Finding a Great Book and Why I LOVE Reading So Much

Reading saves me. It's one of the few things I'm known to fight for with my whole heart and principles on the line. Stories found me on days I was lost. Stories always stay. They never left me behind.

"Find the right story for you"

I believe everyone becomes a reader once they found that one book, that one story, that one world, they've been unknowingly searching all these time. For in there they could find pieces of themselves and answers to questions they couldn't help but ask.

I found a lot of stories seemingly written for me and people like me, and friends, they mean a lot. They change everything. For the better. 

I've been blessed with this gift to travel on worlds and to create my own worlds. This is where I realized that nothing is impossible when you believe.

Belief then is our currency. A currency that will never ever run out. All of these goes back to God, to my supportive family and friends, to strangers who know and understand, to myself. No moments in our life we were alone. These who love us akin to life itself and transcending more will always offer a helping hand along the way. It's because of them none of our demons will ever succeed in bringing us down. And the knowledge that we can also be a life-saver to others fuels our journey.

Today marks another moment in my life where I found a right story. Hesitant at first, the concept of romance always with a happy ending clouding my vision, I almost skip this story. But I tried to remember why I love my current favorites.

I love those stories because of the concepts of survival and living, of trying again after failures, the morally-grey characters, the world-building and how it works, the kind of love that is true, those dynamic and complex characterization questioning society's definition of morality, of what it means to be human, how belief, faith, makes anything possible.

I need more and stories give me more. 

I'm always meant to be a reader. I want stories to help others the way they help me save myself hence I'm also a writer. And because I whole-heartedly accept that I'm prone to errors and I'm certainly imperfect...

I'm a human.

And if aliens are reading this, to be human isn't bad. Not bad at all.

I'm proud of my humanity, with all of our compassion and flaws. 

February 20, 2020

"Come to think of it, this is the same date right?"

"Yup. It's really messed up. What we did."

"We forget to protect. What we didn't expect is by forgetting, we tried to kill each other."

"And someone ended up dead."

The day was supposedly stress-free. Here they are, sitting on a cafe. Under the shade of a giant tree. All seemed right with world, and yet, the rightness also felt wrong.

"I'm going."

"You just arrived, Tyrone."

"I remember I need to fetch something for my pet."

"Your pet dragon. Right."

"I'm not lying. I really do have a pet dragon. Will bring him someday, once I've trained him to like other humans."

"Well, looking forward to that."

It was true that he have a dragon, however, it was never originally intended to be a pet. The dragon was here to help them wake her.

But how do you wake someone whose body just suddenly disappeared. Her ice casket intact. No footprints. No trace was left behind. Nothing. Nameless.

Hoping the dragon will know, they asked, but the dragon just replied,

"Unknown."

It has been 7 weeks since they started searching. Every attempts failed.

He's tired.

He just want to stop.

February 20.

He started laughing. He also laughed that day when they announced they were going to commence a killing spree because he got nothing to lose, but now, he have something. Hopefully, she's not lost yet. For he had done heroic and terrible things just to find a cure.

He bumped into a stranger.

"Sorry," the stranger whispered. Voice's smooth and calm, a woman...

Familiar.

He turned around and the view of her face underneath a black hood made his breath hitch,

"Cirin?"

- "February 20: Years After" || Bonus Chapter from later parts of "Senescence," Killer Website Book 2 

AN: February 20, 2020 is today. Thought it would be nice to give the readers of this series a gift.

All About February Komiket 2020

Note: Blogspot's app has updated and now it ain't working grrrr this is why I don't trust any blog sites!

Body:

To say that I was terrified of Komiket is an understatement. Back in December, I got a confirmation that I'm in and knew it's a battlefield to claim a slot on this event, I acknowledged and gambled quite a large amount of money as payment for the solo artist space. I started freaking out after the exhibitor briefing. There were rules, plural, and rules and me, we're never friends.

On the actual day of the event, I realized the rules were quite exaggerated, imagine my relief, none of the worse case scenario I plotted in my head happened! HOWEVER, I started having rounds of anxiety attacks during the event proper itself when I realized the full implication of the nature of the event and type of audience it will attract.

It caters the visual arts. Drawings, comics, stickers, prints, zines yes, but 95% of zines with drawings and I AM NONE OF THAT. I roamed the place looking for works like mine, 'coz that of course is what I'm interested in and the ATM money was prepared to be distributed to my fellow lover of words, but I only found one other artist! ONE! Until I stopped for it was getting crowded, just making me dizzy.  

Day 1 starts so slow my friends, imagine a logarithmic graph (idon'tknowwhati'msayingwhyistheremath). Bringing my headphones and My Chemical Romance's songs did a lot to soothe my internal turmoil. Deep inside, I was telling myself, this ain't my market until I was proven wrong. There were people like me, we who belong to the same tribe, the tribe who see and have known the magic of words, WERE THERE to support me 😭 ❤️ 

They're this small portion of the crowd, and few as we are, it's because of them I sold out "The Zine of Why's" "Even As Dust We Sparkle" and Reminders 4. Because of their support, I only got few copies left of the rest for my next event, GANDANG GANDA SA SARILING GAWA at CHR, UPD this March 7.

When I smiled at you at that event, know that I rarely do and that smile you've seen is true. When you let me know you like my works, they are confirmation of my purpose, that I'm on track, that risking despite of fear and worries is worth it. I would have loved for us to talk more BUT I was overwhelmed and not good at spoken words, apologies if my aura turned confusing. 

One of the artists I look up to, Sir Adam David, bought 2 of my works. He was smiling while browsing, and that's a scenery I will never forget. I told him I hope to join BLTX again this year (coz people of my tribe of weirdness converge on BLTX) and he said he'll make sure to let us know and there might be an upcoming BLTX sooner than December. Please do have one! Please do! And hope it's nearby.

There was this guy who asked, "..is Sejuru here? Can I take a picture with you?" I still don't understand this particular moment but I just went with the flow lol

People pat Lila and Kell, so cute 😍 I didn't sell the preloved books but hearing those conversations about the greatness of Throne of Glass series is more than enough.

Seatmates are very kind.

I won't forget the guy who told me, "..take my money! You deserve it!" The girl who reached out thru social media to let me know she LOVE Reminders 2. There's also this girl who love My Chemical Romance so much she recommended new songs I can listen to. There are fellow readers who just surprised me by buying more than 1 of my works. Also had a nice chat with a guy from USA, this is the advantage of speaking English as required by my current work.

I went home, bought myself a bouquet of purple flowers, for just like purple, I thought it would suck but I ended up loving this. There are moments when I became teary-eyed and everything felt so right I was thankful I didn't stop and chose to fight. 

With your help, the money I gambled has returned AND MORE. This writing career of mine taught me how to save when others have failed 😂 That's why, I'll never be tired of writing, THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone! Because of you, I experience what it is like to have everything, and daaaamn it is so worth living. 

Send me notes, let me know. I love hearing from you. 

Komiket is a success, my gratitude to its parts and whole. Until next Komiket! October, maybe? 

Sincerely writing this blogpost initially posted on FB because blogger's app ain't working at that time,

SEJURU ✨❄️🌙

Onto Writing and Battling My Anxious Thoughts

I started writing because I want to prove to everyone I can be a writer.

Midway, I write because I simply love what I'm doing. Writing opened a world of new experiences, new people, and new friends.

Moving on, doubts hit me in the face the first time. Days passed, and anxiety and OCD almost crippled my writing career as they whispered lies. I made an enemy out of myself, and when you are your own enemy, you may recognize a lie for what it is, but it will be difficult to make yourself believe that they are just a lie. 

There were pauses and long breaks. Readers asking when there will be a new update. They've been waiting for half a year or more. Deep inside, I answered, I still want to write, but the magic's gone. These days, I can barely feel myself feeling. I was terrified and relieved of being numb. I was terrified of myself and the things I can do when I go numb.

"Where are you and why am I doing this again?"

Vague questions. 

But then it's when you are at the lowest points where you find fuels for creativity. Where you start seeing again the reasons and results. 

The smartphone I have on my hands right now, the phone I'm using to type these words, was bought in cash because of a deal I have with an international publisher for one of my works. I have two precious bracelets which remind me of two notable people I met because I never stopped writing. For the first time, I have savings from sales of my poetry zines I never want to spend.

People call me a writer. Yes, these stories and poems I write are not for everyone, but for those who are meant to read these words and find pieces of themselves in them, it is an instrument that can help save themselves. 

Pause and breathe when in doubt. Realize that just like a butterfly effect, all decisions even the good and bad, led to where you are right now. Don't let those lies stop you from doing these things you love. 

And you start seeing not with your own eyes but beyond the façade the world of deceit is trying to portray.

The Lady on the Roadside

I love cooking. It's the only household chore I wanna do. 

This is the stage of my life wherein I'm having an early major crisis. Considering I'm an anxious person, it's bound to happen soon anyway. Trying to make a living out of an apartment you do not own, in a city of over-priced goods, and an environment filled with almost all types of pollution...is difficult. Cooking with the utensils you have and their alternatives is an effective stress-reliever.

But this really isn't about cooking or me even if I've already written a paragraph about it. This is about the kindness of an old lady.

Her vegetables are arranged on a mat lying on the roadside. They are better in quality and with a much more reasonable price. If you see old ladies or gents like her, buy from them simply because THEY NEED YOUR HELP. Let's not go to other topics but focus instead on empathy. How our acts can help those in dire need. 

I bought the quantity of veggies I needed from her, and I was on my way back when I heard her call my attention, twice. She then rushed to me when I approached and gave one more bunch of pechay, saying,

"Baka masayang lang 'to."

This might just be wasted..

That bunch of leaves was not in a bad condition. There were yellowing portions but I can still consider them as marketable.

I thanked her with sincere gratitude and kinda felt bad that the amount I bought from her was just small. But I promised, in the future while I'm still here and I plan to cook again, I'll look for her. Almost at the same time, at the same place, just to be sure I will be able to buy from this kind lady again.

She reminds me of survival and kindness. That the world might try to take away the goodness in our hearts, but just like what My Chemical Romance had written on their song Welcome to the Black Parade,

"Because the world will never take my heart.."

I'm certain, it will never win. Something good will still remain even if you felt you're terribly empty and fucked up.

And that my friend is usually the most important. For the old lady, it's kindness that remains and will remain forever. 

Why March is SO SPECIAL

Books are the answer but I'm going to narrow it down...

MUCH AWAITED BOOKS. Been waiting for years since they were first announced, and this March brothers and sisters, I will be able to read them FINALLY!

I'm sure there are other great reads on March I will definitely explore but for these two books...THEY MEAN "LIFE" TO ME.

First, we have "House of Earth and Blood" by Sarah J. Maas.

Auto-buy, rank 1 favorite author. I've read her A Court of Thorns & Roses and Throne of Glass series back when I was just learning to fight my inner battles. My mind shattered, these stories helped me LIVE when daily survival was a struggle. 

Her stories are like permanent pillars I lean on to every time I'm lost. On every stages of my life, they are always with me. These fictional characters, this fictional world, is where I learn how it is like to be human. Her stories taught me that kindness wins wars and saves souls. Empathy makes the cruel world bearable. And everything is not just a matter of black and white. MORALLY-GREY, multi-dimensional perspective? MY.OXYGEN. (one of the many)

With this new series, imagine my joy. Tears are threatening to fall right now because I'm certain that this new story is another God-sent gift to help me live my life. 

And then there's "Chain of Gold" by Cassandra Clare. 

There's something with the Shadowhunter world that couldn't be washed off, especially on the timeline before The Mortal Instruments. These stories stick with you and wouldn't let go. Cassie is also a master of triggering emotions. If she wants you to cry, you will be a sobbing mess. She directly hit the nerve so hard with the way she strings events and words that it will definitely leave a permanent mark.

With this book, we are going back to the timeline where Will Herondale, one of the most popular characters (FOR A REASON) in the fantasy literature, is still alive ( DAAAAAAMMMMNN I WANNA CRY AGAIN), with Tessa (omaygash Tessa huhuhuhu) and Jem (Jemmmm Jemmmmm~~! 😭)! I can't event write properly whenever I think of these characters from The Infernal Devices.

Cassandra Clare is a master of making her readers fall in love with her characters so much we consider them real. In my case, I prefer them over most of the real people I knew 😏 

"We live multiple lives, not just one, because we love to read.."

With these two books and the rest of my favorite stories, the quote above is proven true. 

Find a comfortable corner to slump and then read, life is MUCH BETTER. Reality becomes bearable. We are stronger in real life because we apply what we have learned in fiction. 

Proud to say, I am a better human being every time I read a great story.