Another Dead End

I'll write it down while still fresh.

Another job has met its end. It's far from my college degree and I was directed there because I chose external influence as the winner.

The thing you need to know about me is...I didn't know what I want in terms of this field society labels as "professional career." I only knew what I couldn't be. I guess I'm lost, but I won't put the blame on others for I know I'm in control of this journey. As long as I don't give up, I'm always headed to something better. Something I've been searching for all my life, knowingly and unknowingly. Proven.

These previous jobs I had taught me to let go when it's pointless to go on. To choose those I love over those whom other people would love for me. Because this ain't their life. Tis mine. Listening and following what others thought would be best for me have sent this wandering soul to dead ends. I'm sick of choosing their choice as if I haven't learned a single thing.

These jobs taught me that to love what you're doing drives this journey. That stress and pressure are therapeutic as long as your heart is there with you. If the heart's gone and only the mind functions, everything you do will feel useless, useless to yourself and to the world. You won't be at your most efficient self, your best self, if you stay only because you had to. It isn't about the money, neither the setting nor the benefits and extras. It's about you and your contribution to the world during this finite time you have. You need to stay because you LOVE to.

And since I mentioned "finite time," this serves as everyone's reminder that the sand in our hourglass is flowing. You don't have eternity with that physical body. You only have now and the finite future. Time is our greatest treasure which can't be bought. Don't waste it merely because you just find the set-up convenient.

It's not all bad you know. These dead ends also taught me there's nothing wrong with being lost. Of not knowing the right way. Years since I kinda started living by myself, at first I was afraid of being alone I thought it's enough to kill me. But now, what I'm terrified of is I find independence and freedom too addicting. There are these moments of urge where I want to go somewhere really far and remote, on a place where all of the things I love converge if ever there's such thing. And on those seconds, minutes, hours, the only thing I was sure of is this thought,

"That place isn't here."

The day I became contented of where I am would be the day I finally find magic again. The kind I haven't experience yet. And I will find it. I will.

For now, lost as I am, I think I'm also on track. For I learned and experience life-changing situations. This time around I discovered the world of writing zines, of fellow creatives, of new stories I greatly adore, new tunes of silence, true friendship, pre-loved items, more flowers from the garden of independence and freedom, of understanding when it matters.

There are the good but that doesn't mean we forget the bad. Hence, they must be written: your lies and multiple-faces, selfishness and narrow-mindedness of those rich landlords, siding with corruption, emotional and verbal abuse, GASLIGHTING (damn this word is so manipulative figuratively and literally it took me sometime to remember what it is called), garbage traditions, favoritism, externally-triggered self-blaming, workloads for one truck when it should be for two or three trucks, I couldn't breathe, take comfortable bio-breaks, you even want to steal my rest and me time, you made me feel bad when I'm just being human, that is, imperfect, you're the destructive wavelength, you hit my particles to destroy and not to build. You and them. I will never forget.

Exhale.

I'm fine. I'm good. Like what I've written, it ain't all bad. The bad though seem overwhelming but they just appeared to be because I want to be specific so when I go back to this entry in the future, it wouldn't be a guessing game to remember.

Finally my dear...

Here we are, at a crossroad once again. But are we afraid?

No.

Because we trust. We believe. Anything is possible.

Remember the signs. The national anthem, you're headed to greatness. The last conversation, that's one of the reasons why there are battles not worth fighting.

So light up or turn into an ember. Your fuel is eternal for it is belief.

The Calling

Something is calling me.

I'm not sure what it is but I do have an idea what it could be.

My sleep interrupted, I would wake up from this strange beautiful dream, afraid of its nightmarish tendencies, strengthened by my never fading will to fight for these things I love even on a different plane of reality.

I couldn't control these dreams. The only one who could are the me existing on those realities. But if there's one thing I could control, it's this reality I have right now. This reality where I've been hearing a siren's call on my waking hours. This siren's call could also be the reason why I always go back. Why I could always wake up from a deep sleep, a medium to those worlds of dreams.

To whatever, whoever, is calling me, I already took a step to reach you. I took a leap and resume my long walks heading straight to your direction. I don't know exactly what has been waiting for me all these time. All I know is just like all the things I love in this lifetime, you'll have both of the beautiful and ugly sides. Elements clashing against each other. You won't be easy to judge. You're bad and yet good. Good but can do bad. Gray. You will be gray.

And even as of now, I am already in love with all of your spectrums.

I'll find you

And together

We'll write stories

Stories sustain

This life of mine.

Finding a Great Book and Why I LOVE Reading So Much

Reading saves me. It's one of the few things I'm known to fight for with my whole heart and principles on the line. Stories found me on days I was lost. Stories always stay. They never left me behind.

"Find the right story for you"

I believe everyone becomes a reader once they found that one book, that one story, that one world, they've been unknowingly searching all these time. For in there they could find pieces of themselves and answers to questions they couldn't help but ask.

I found a lot of stories seemingly written for me and people like me, and friends, they mean a lot. They change everything. For the better. 

I've been blessed with this gift to travel on worlds and to create my own worlds. This is where I realized that nothing is impossible when you believe.

Belief then is our currency. A currency that will never ever run out. All of these goes back to God, to my supportive family and friends, to strangers who know and understand, to myself. No moments in our life we were alone. These who love us akin to life itself and transcending more will always offer a helping hand along the way. It's because of them none of our demons will ever succeed in bringing us down. And the knowledge that we can also be a life-saver to others fuels our journey.

Today marks another moment in my life where I found a right story. Hesitant at first, the concept of romance always with a happy ending clouding my vision, I almost skip this story. But I tried to remember why I love my current favorites.

I love those stories because of the concepts of survival and living, of trying again after failures, the morally-grey characters, the world-building and how it works, the kind of love that is true, those dynamic and complex characterization questioning society's definition of morality, of what it means to be human, how belief, faith, makes anything possible.

I need more and stories give me more. 

I'm always meant to be a reader. I want stories to help others the way they help me save myself hence I'm also a writer. And because I whole-heartedly accept that I'm prone to errors and I'm certainly imperfect...

I'm a human.

And if aliens are reading this, to be human isn't bad. Not bad at all.

I'm proud of my humanity, with all of our compassion and flaws. 

February 20, 2020

"Come to think of it, this is the same date right?"

"Yup. It's really messed up. What we did."

"We forget to protect. What we didn't expect is by forgetting, we tried to kill each other."

"And someone ended up dead."

The day was supposedly stress-free. Here they are, sitting on a cafe. Under the shade of a giant tree. All seemed right with world, and yet, the rightness also felt wrong.

"I'm going."

"You just arrived, Tyrone."

"I remember I need to fetch something for my pet."

"Your pet dragon. Right."

"I'm not lying. I really do have a pet dragon. Will bring him someday, once I've trained him to like other humans."

"Well, looking forward to that."

It was true that he have a dragon, however, it was never originally intended to be a pet. The dragon was here to help them wake her.

But how do you wake someone whose body just suddenly disappeared. Her ice casket intact. No footprints. No trace was left behind. Nothing. Nameless.

Hoping the dragon will know, they asked, but the dragon just replied,

"Unknown."

It has been 7 weeks since they started searching. Every attempts failed.

He's tired.

He just want to stop.

February 20.

He started laughing. He also laughed that day when they announced they were going to commence a killing spree because he got nothing to lose, but now, he have something. Hopefully, she's not lost yet. For he had done heroic and terrible things just to find a cure.

He bumped into a stranger.

"Sorry," the stranger whispered. Voice's smooth and calm, a woman...

Familiar.

He turned around and the view of her face underneath a black hood made his breath hitch,

"Cirin?"

- "February 20: Years After" || Bonus Chapter from later parts of "Senescence," Killer Website Book 2 

AN: February 20, 2020 is today. Thought it would be nice to give the readers of this series a gift.

All About February Komiket 2020

Note: Blogspot's app has updated and now it ain't working grrrr this is why I don't trust any blog sites!

Body:

To say that I was terrified of Komiket is an understatement. Back in December, I got a confirmation that I'm in and knew it's a battlefield to claim a slot on this event, I acknowledged and gambled quite a large amount of money as payment for the solo artist space. I started freaking out after the exhibitor briefing. There were rules, plural, and rules and me, we're never friends.

On the actual day of the event, I realized the rules were quite exaggerated, imagine my relief, none of the worse case scenario I plotted in my head happened! HOWEVER, I started having rounds of anxiety attacks during the event proper itself when I realized the full implication of the nature of the event and type of audience it will attract.

It caters the visual arts. Drawings, comics, stickers, prints, zines yes, but 95% of zines with drawings and I AM NONE OF THAT. I roamed the place looking for works like mine, 'coz that of course is what I'm interested in and the ATM money was prepared to be distributed to my fellow lover of words, but I only found one other artist! ONE! Until I stopped for it was getting crowded, just making me dizzy.  

Day 1 starts so slow my friends, imagine a logarithmic graph (idon'tknowwhati'msayingwhyistheremath). Bringing my headphones and My Chemical Romance's songs did a lot to soothe my internal turmoil. Deep inside, I was telling myself, this ain't my market until I was proven wrong. There were people like me, we who belong to the same tribe, the tribe who see and have known the magic of words, WERE THERE to support me 😭 ❤️ 

They're this small portion of the crowd, and few as we are, it's because of them I sold out "The Zine of Why's" "Even As Dust We Sparkle" and Reminders 4. Because of their support, I only got few copies left of the rest for my next event, GANDANG GANDA SA SARILING GAWA at CHR, UPD this March 7.

When I smiled at you at that event, know that I rarely do and that smile you've seen is true. When you let me know you like my works, they are confirmation of my purpose, that I'm on track, that risking despite of fear and worries is worth it. I would have loved for us to talk more BUT I was overwhelmed and not good at spoken words, apologies if my aura turned confusing. 

One of the artists I look up to, Sir Adam David, bought 2 of my works. He was smiling while browsing, and that's a scenery I will never forget. I told him I hope to join BLTX again this year (coz people of my tribe of weirdness converge on BLTX) and he said he'll make sure to let us know and there might be an upcoming BLTX sooner than December. Please do have one! Please do! And hope it's nearby.

There was this guy who asked, "..is Sejuru here? Can I take a picture with you?" I still don't understand this particular moment but I just went with the flow lol

People pat Lila and Kell, so cute 😍 I didn't sell the preloved books but hearing those conversations about the greatness of Throne of Glass series is more than enough.

Seatmates are very kind.

I won't forget the guy who told me, "..take my money! You deserve it!" The girl who reached out thru social media to let me know she LOVE Reminders 2. There's also this girl who love My Chemical Romance so much she recommended new songs I can listen to. There are fellow readers who just surprised me by buying more than 1 of my works. Also had a nice chat with a guy from USA, this is the advantage of speaking English as required by my current work.

I went home, bought myself a bouquet of purple flowers, for just like purple, I thought it would suck but I ended up loving this. There are moments when I became teary-eyed and everything felt so right I was thankful I didn't stop and chose to fight. 

With your help, the money I gambled has returned AND MORE. This writing career of mine taught me how to save when others have failed 😂 That's why, I'll never be tired of writing, THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone! Because of you, I experience what it is like to have everything, and daaaamn it is so worth living. 

Send me notes, let me know. I love hearing from you. 

Komiket is a success, my gratitude to its parts and whole. Until next Komiket! October, maybe? 

Sincerely writing this blogpost initially posted on FB because blogger's app ain't working at that time,

SEJURU ✨❄️🌙