Dedication

I don't allow happiness to last.

It fades so easily just like these people I treasured who disappear eventually. 

Happiness is the price of risking. Doing a great job. The price of accomplishment. Sunrise. One of the results of love.

But it rarely provides lessons. 

I can count it in my hands, those times happiness actually made me learn something. Right now, it made me think if I ever write something all because I'm happy.

Maybe I did but I can't remember. It is pain that always marks. 

A name keeps on hunting me wherever I go. The wounds this name left won't just heal. I'm sick of seeing this name even on my most favorite places or on sacred realms like my dreams. 

It then turned into hatred. Hatred that snaps out this fire of peace. Hatred that fuels creativity. 

On times I'm not happy, there are cases I chose not to be. Because that is the condition where everything is in entropy. Entropy leads to chaos inside me. This chaos makes it easier to understand the different forms of chaos around. And chaos is everywhere, especially in the hearts of humans. 

I need the state of disorder. I need chaos. 

Chaos then is the ember of my creative fire. It is the means to write, and by partnering words, I am creating a temporary order. An order that aligns the thought in my mind and others who are like me.

And once there's complete acceptance, once I can now finally see, that's where it all settles down. 

I'm finally calm again.

Not because I'm done.

I'm just preparing for the next wave of disruption. 

("Where it is always winter," vol. 1)

 

The People I Met At Komura Zine Fair

I went as a writer/vendor selling the first volume of my poetry zine. And this is an appreciation post to everything that had transpired...

 

Really funny that we kinda wrapped the table with blue and green cartolina instead of just bringing one of my scarves to serve as table cloth. Why Emina. Why?! But it came out nicely I guess. We turned it into a winter table.

On the vendor's briefing, my clumsiness took over. There was a socket blocking the way and I almost trip because of it. I did manage to find my balance but was not able to survive the next attack by a wire. I really fell over this time. A nearby guy got alarmed and he was about to catch me but the bouncy sofa caught my fall first. HAHAHAHA TF!

There's this reader who bought items from all vendors and of course he bought mine too. If I got a lot of money, I could probably be like him. He is my first buyer and I didn't have change for the 1k he had. I just told him to pay later once he got smaller bills. He was passing when he almost tripped because of my chair and was sorta reminded of the credit he had with me. Lol. People who got involved with me were stumbling all over the place. 

My attempts at photography caught attention. Aside from my zine, I also displayed separate prints of the pictures featured inside. My seatmate and new photographer/interior designer friend, asked if she could have one of them later. It then gave me the idea to just give away those prints once the event is about to finish for free. From then on, there were buyers who reserved these pictures. One of them is a fellow vendor who really looked like someone I ended up knowing. Their resemblance is shocking and if she turned out to be the same person, FATE IS MAKING ONE OF THE GREATEST COSMIC JOKE EVERRR! 

There's a doctor who bought my poetry zine. My course is Biology. Almost everyone keeps on complaining why I didn't become a doctor. That's why by meeting this reader it made me think that on another lifetime where I studied medicine, it's good to know I could be like her. Someone in the field of science and yet could find time to be in love with literature. Drama kept aside, I ended up having a check up with her about my persisting cough. Check up with a doctor in a zine fair? Who would have thought? Conclusion is I need to go back to a nearby doctor to have another check up as advised by this doctor I met at the event. 

A foreigner guy bought my poetry zine! He just left a mark because he made me glad that with the line of work I have right now, speaking in English is no longer an extremely awkward experience. I was explaining the themes of my zine when I mentioned, "This first volume is dark but would be lighter as it goes on.." he replied by saying,

"Life gets better, huh?"

Life is better when you do things you love indeed.

I also roamed searching for zines I'll be buying when I met great fellow vendors. It made me realized every artists (vendor or visitors) in there had one purpose,

We are looking for souls who have the same passion, and with this similarity we shared, we can inspire and help each other.

Others might call this science, but for me, it's both science and magic...that moment of crossing-paths with people you are meant to meet all this time because you are fated to influence each other lives for the better. Always for the better though the means are sometimes bitter.

There are most likely other readers who bought my zine but I was not able to mention, but if they are reading this, know that I'm also sincerely grateful to you. This comes with the hope that all of you would find the help and boost you need by reading my work to survive and live your life.

I'll close this by mentioning three people. Somewhere at the center, I saw someone reading my work. This made me anxious. So anxious that I got the urge to move around to make my anxiety disappear. 

But this person approached my booth. My booth on the sideline. She wanted to buy a copy and my signature on it. She said smiling,

"I really like your work. I find it very relatable."

Unexpectedly.

Real.

Raw. 

The story of my life, after all, have the best author, God. 

Memories might make me forget but by writing all of these down, by publishing my works online or through physical copies...

Words will always make me remember.

Lastly but definitely not the least, to my closest friends who have came over, my first fair as a writer wouldn't be this great without you guys. Pat and Alyssa, may we continue rattling the stars. I'll try my best to be the friend you need when it is your turn. 

Where It Is Always Winter - The Story Behind

Why a Zine?

Zines are easier and cheaper to produce. They are shorter than paperbacks. For people like me who don't have patience for editing and layouting long manuscripts, zines are perfect. You'll also have the freedom to turn a zine into whatever concept you want. Poetry? Comics? Essays? Combination? All are allowed. Zines do not have rules in general. The main purpose is to spread information using affordable and accessible methods. It's freedom in publishing. Freedom in expression. 

Why Poetry?

My zine got some essays on it but mostly poetry. For me, a poem is where a writer can express herself with complete freedom. Grammar, style, punctuation...nothing controls and limit poetry. It's artistic license in one of its most powerful state. You can hide secrets with words. Can be flowery but at the same time dark. No rules, no standards. As long as you'll have readers who will gain something out of your poems, goal is achieve.

Why the title?

I'm never good at summarizing. For novels, I rarely plot events. When I write, the words are just there, waiting to be transcribed. No need to think and plan ahead. I shall try my best to summarize this by saying this is a zine for those who've felt lost, brokenness, temptation, and the searing coldness of being the only one who was left behind.

Inspired by Spring Day by BTS,

title was formed. Where It Is Always Winter showcase how brokenness, lost, fear, hatred, anger, sadness are necessary to learn how to survive and then eventually live this one chance to a life we all have. Negative as they are, they are feelings, emotions, that can also bring up positive ones. Hope, independence, love to oneself, promises, loyalty, passion in my case work hand in hand with the aforementioned negative ones.

Like darkness and light, they are unable to exist without the other.

My main purpose of publishing a zine isn't for income generation. I have no plans to turn writing as a main source of income. Writing is something I love. An outlet when things get too much. I published for the first time to inspire and help people like me.

People who are in love with the rain but saddened by the fact that rain can be cruel to others.

People who were broken not once but multiple times, and yet, still functional because they could clearly understand why survival is different from living. Consciously or not, we are saving ourselves.

People with too much anger and hatred on their hearts, and yet, they are epitome of kindness and love. 

This is your life. 

If breathing is hard, learn how to survive first. 

On days where you're just waking up each day to survive, life won't be easy. After all, you're just hanging, barely. But the important thing is you haven't given up. This is survival. 

Living your life is a different matter.

It took a long time for me to collect my scattered pieces, but once I did, I craved for more. I craved for freedom and magic to return. Slowly, they did. Still ain't complete to this day but I'm getting there while learning more truths, some harsh, others gentle, about this world.

Life taught me you don't need to be at the center to live. You can be like me, living on the sidelines. 

The silent assassin masking herself as a harmless commoner. 

A camouflaged being waiting to fool its prey into a trap. 

A girl writing mostly fictional stories. Words forming worlds, events, characters which ain't real but the way these fictional realms can make us feel...

When you cried ugly while (and after) Iron Man is dying..

When you laughed when Chihiro slides down the stairs running...

When you have mixed-emotions when Celaena Sardothien finally went back to her kingdom, her home. A kingdom whose trust is gained by blood, passion, and sacrifice...

These emotions ARE REAL.

And where did they come from? What triggered these feelings?

Fiction. Imagination.

Magic.

This is the reality in fiction, my friend. My most effective cure against hopelessness. Against insanity.

I am where it is always winter. I don't know where you are but wherever we might be, we can save ourselves. Heal these broken parts.

Most of all,

We can wear the scars and still live our lives despite of the permanent wounds.

All we need is to BELIEVE.

Hope to see you on Komura this September 21...friend, stranger, curious folk. If you think you'll like my zine, then buy a copy :) 

Fashion: Before & Now

Before...

I didn't get it. Why would the clothes you wear matter? As long as your body is fully covered, why would it matter if it is on trend or branded? There were other bigger problems in life, acads for example. And I didn't have time (nor money) to go to shopping for clothes. 

Now...

So this is why. It matter but the reason should be for you, not for other people. You wear this attire for it reflects who you are. And showing it to the world, bravely and unashamed, gives fulfillment. You don't give a shit if they will like it or not. This is you and you aren't everyone's cup of tea, remember that. Fashion becomes a way to filter these people you let inside your small trusted circle.

Fashion doesn't need to be expensive and branded. Most unique items are in the thrift shops and that awkward moment when you saw someone wearing an exact same style of H&M piece you've brought 'coz it's so trendy these days? GUUUUUURRRRLLL, that will rarely happen if your clothes are from ukays! Ukay is eco-friendly, cheap, and available almost everywhere in the Philippines (here's to the hope you got a good ukay store nearby). It is the best solution to express yourself using fashion without bankrupting your purse!

Wearing great, comfortable clothes may save your life. Save your life from stress, heartbreaks, peanut-brains and many other negativities. 

This is why if you're looking for a new hobby and you aren't yet in to fashion, do try! Go to the nearby ukay. Buy pieces that caught your eyes.

It's all about the hunt. 

And that time you find a single great piece or two for such a very affordable price? You won't be able to stop craving for that sensation again. 

The next thing you'll know, the next weekend, you're off to search for new ukay finds! 

Below are some ukay finds I partnered with each other. My wardrobe right now is over-flowing with clothes.