Another job has met its end. It's far from my college degree and I was directed there because I chose external influence as the winner.
The thing you need to know about me is...I didn't know what I want in terms of this field society labels as "professional career." I only knew what I couldn't be. I guess I'm lost, but I won't put the blame on others for I know I'm in control of this journey. As long as I don't give up, I'm always headed to something better. Something I've been searching for all my life, knowingly and unknowingly. Proven.
These previous jobs I had taught me to let go when it's pointless to go on. To choose those I love over those whom other people would love for me. Because this ain't their life. Tis mine. Listening and following what others thought would be best for me have sent this wandering soul to dead ends. I'm sick of choosing their choice as if I haven't learned a single thing.
These jobs taught me that to love what you're doing drives this journey. That stress and pressure are therapeutic as long as your heart is there with you. If the heart's gone and only the mind functions, everything you do will feel useless, useless to yourself and to the world. You won't be at your most efficient self, your best self, if you stay only because you had to. It isn't about the money, neither the setting nor the benefits and extras. It's about you and your contribution to the world during this finite time you have. You need to stay because you LOVE to.
And since I mentioned "finite time," this serves as everyone's reminder that the sand in our hourglass is flowing. You don't have eternity with that physical body. You only have now and the finite future. Time is our greatest treasure which can't be bought. Don't waste it merely because you just find the set-up convenient.
It's not all bad you know. These dead ends also taught me there's nothing wrong with being lost. Of not knowing the right way. Years since I kinda started living by myself, at first I was afraid of being alone I thought it's enough to kill me. But now, what I'm terrified of is I find independence and freedom too addicting. There are these moments of urge where I want to go somewhere really far and remote, on a place where all of the things I love converge if ever there's such thing. And on those seconds, minutes, hours, the only thing I was sure of is this thought,
"That place isn't here."
The day I became contented of where I am would be the day I finally find magic again. The kind I haven't experience yet. And I will find it. I will.
For now, lost as I am, I think I'm also on track. For I learned and experience life-changing situations. This time around I discovered the world of writing zines, of fellow creatives, of new stories I greatly adore, new tunes of silence, true friendship, pre-loved items, more flowers from the garden of independence and freedom, of understanding when it matters.
There are the good but that doesn't mean we forget the bad. Hence, they must be written: your lies and multiple-faces, selfishness and narrow-mindedness of those rich landlords, siding with corruption, emotional and verbal abuse, GASLIGHTING (damn this word is so manipulative figuratively and literally it took me sometime to remember what it is called), garbage traditions, favoritism, externally-triggered self-blaming, workloads for one truck when it should be for two or three trucks, I couldn't breathe, take comfortable bio-breaks, you even want to steal my rest and me time, you made me feel bad when I'm just being human, that is, imperfect, you're the destructive wavelength, you hit my particles to destroy and not to build. You and them. I will never forget.
Exhale.
I'm fine. I'm good. Like what I've written, it ain't all bad. The bad though seem overwhelming but they just appeared to be because I want to be specific so when I go back to this entry in the future, it wouldn't be a guessing game to remember.
Finally my dear...
Here we are, at a crossroad once again. But are we afraid?
No.
Because we trust. We believe. Anything is possible.
Remember the signs. The national anthem, you're headed to greatness. The last conversation, that's one of the reasons why there are battles not worth fighting.
So light up or turn into an ember. Your fuel is eternal for it is belief.
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