Onto Writing and Battling My Anxious Thoughts

I started writing because I want to prove to everyone I can be a writer.

Midway, I write because I simply love what I'm doing. Writing opened a world of new experiences, new people, and new friends.

Moving on, doubts hit me in the face the first time. Days passed, and anxiety and OCD almost crippled my writing career as they whispered lies. I made an enemy out of myself, and when you are your own enemy, you may recognize a lie for what it is, but it will be difficult to make yourself believe that they are just a lie. 

There were pauses and long breaks. Readers asking when there will be a new update. They've been waiting for half a year or more. Deep inside, I answered, I still want to write, but the magic's gone. These days, I can barely feel myself feeling. I was terrified and relieved of being numb. I was terrified of myself and the things I can do when I go numb.

"Where are you and why am I doing this again?"

Vague questions. 

But then it's when you are at the lowest points where you find fuels for creativity. Where you start seeing again the reasons and results. 

The smartphone I have on my hands right now, the phone I'm using to type these words, was bought in cash because of a deal I have with an international publisher for one of my works. I have two precious bracelets which remind me of two notable people I met because I never stopped writing. For the first time, I have savings from sales of my poetry zines I never want to spend.

People call me a writer. Yes, these stories and poems I write are not for everyone, but for those who are meant to read these words and find pieces of themselves in them, it is an instrument that can help save themselves. 

Pause and breathe when in doubt. Realize that just like a butterfly effect, all decisions even the good and bad, led to where you are right now. Don't let those lies stop you from doing these things you love. 

And you start seeing not with your own eyes but beyond the façade the world of deceit is trying to portray.

The Lady on the Roadside

I love cooking. It's the only household chore I wanna do. 

This is the stage of my life wherein I'm having an early major crisis. Considering I'm an anxious person, it's bound to happen soon anyway. Trying to make a living out of an apartment you do not own, in a city of over-priced goods, and an environment filled with almost all types of pollution...is difficult. Cooking with the utensils you have and their alternatives is an effective stress-reliever.

But this really isn't about cooking or me even if I've already written a paragraph about it. This is about the kindness of an old lady.

Her vegetables are arranged on a mat lying on the roadside. They are better in quality and with a much more reasonable price. If you see old ladies or gents like her, buy from them simply because THEY NEED YOUR HELP. Let's not go to other topics but focus instead on empathy. How our acts can help those in dire need. 

I bought the quantity of veggies I needed from her, and I was on my way back when I heard her call my attention, twice. She then rushed to me when I approached and gave one more bunch of pechay, saying,

"Baka masayang lang 'to."

This might just be wasted..

That bunch of leaves was not in a bad condition. There were yellowing portions but I can still consider them as marketable.

I thanked her with sincere gratitude and kinda felt bad that the amount I bought from her was just small. But I promised, in the future while I'm still here and I plan to cook again, I'll look for her. Almost at the same time, at the same place, just to be sure I will be able to buy from this kind lady again.

She reminds me of survival and kindness. That the world might try to take away the goodness in our hearts, but just like what My Chemical Romance had written on their song Welcome to the Black Parade,

"Because the world will never take my heart.."

I'm certain, it will never win. Something good will still remain even if you felt you're terribly empty and fucked up.

And that my friend is usually the most important. For the old lady, it's kindness that remains and will remain forever. 

Why March is SO SPECIAL

Books are the answer but I'm going to narrow it down...

MUCH AWAITED BOOKS. Been waiting for years since they were first announced, and this March brothers and sisters, I will be able to read them FINALLY!

I'm sure there are other great reads on March I will definitely explore but for these two books...THEY MEAN "LIFE" TO ME.

First, we have "House of Earth and Blood" by Sarah J. Maas.

Auto-buy, rank 1 favorite author. I've read her A Court of Thorns & Roses and Throne of Glass series back when I was just learning to fight my inner battles. My mind shattered, these stories helped me LIVE when daily survival was a struggle. 

Her stories are like permanent pillars I lean on to every time I'm lost. On every stages of my life, they are always with me. These fictional characters, this fictional world, is where I learn how it is like to be human. Her stories taught me that kindness wins wars and saves souls. Empathy makes the cruel world bearable. And everything is not just a matter of black and white. MORALLY-GREY, multi-dimensional perspective? MY.OXYGEN. (one of the many)

With this new series, imagine my joy. Tears are threatening to fall right now because I'm certain that this new story is another God-sent gift to help me live my life. 

And then there's "Chain of Gold" by Cassandra Clare. 

There's something with the Shadowhunter world that couldn't be washed off, especially on the timeline before The Mortal Instruments. These stories stick with you and wouldn't let go. Cassie is also a master of triggering emotions. If she wants you to cry, you will be a sobbing mess. She directly hit the nerve so hard with the way she strings events and words that it will definitely leave a permanent mark.

With this book, we are going back to the timeline where Will Herondale, one of the most popular characters (FOR A REASON) in the fantasy literature, is still alive ( DAAAAAAMMMMNN I WANNA CRY AGAIN), with Tessa (omaygash Tessa huhuhuhu) and Jem (Jemmmm Jemmmmm~~! 😭)! I can't event write properly whenever I think of these characters from The Infernal Devices.

Cassandra Clare is a master of making her readers fall in love with her characters so much we consider them real. In my case, I prefer them over most of the real people I knew 😏 

"We live multiple lives, not just one, because we love to read.."

With these two books and the rest of my favorite stories, the quote above is proven true. 

Find a comfortable corner to slump and then read, life is MUCH BETTER. Reality becomes bearable. We are stronger in real life because we apply what we have learned in fiction. 

Proud to say, I am a better human being every time I read a great story.